


richie "trashmouth" tozier: dirty little secret

by intertwiningwords



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Comedian Richie Tozier, Coming Out (With Style), Established Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Established Relationship, F/M, Gay Richie Tozier, Gen, Homophobic Language, M/M, Post-Canon Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-14 18:22:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20605271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intertwiningwords/pseuds/intertwiningwords
Summary: comedian richie tozier is back with a new special after taking a break from comedy, and his material gets a lot more personal.





	richie "trashmouth" tozier: dirty little secret

**Author's Note:**

> CHAPTER TWO SPOILERS, DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT OR READ THE BOOK UWU
> 
> tw: one use of the f-slur, that's pretty much it!!
> 
> yeah, i had this idea of how richie's career would evolve after defeating IT, and then i wanted eddie to be alive (stan too, but he's not really mentioned by name at all, just know he's alive in this fic and also in my heart)...so, yeah, enjoy!!

3...2...1...Go!

Richie walks out onto the stage, the sound of cheering filling his ears, a picture-ready grin spread across his face. The audience is full, the usual dynamic present: Mostly dudes with a beer in their hands and apprehensive looking girlfriends by their sides.

“Hey, guys!” he says into the mic. “How are we doin’ tonight?”

There’s another bout of shouts and applause.

“So, in my past stand-ups, I haven’t really been all that honest with my comedy. I’ve always been telling the kind of jokes that I thought people wanted to hear. Relationships, sex, all that fun, dirty shit. I mean, who doesn’t love a good dick joke, eh?”

Laughter, a couple of whoops from the crowd.

“Some of you know that I recently took a break from all this. I won’t bore you with the details—you’re here to laugh, not fall asleep. But I have these friends, you see, who I hadn’t seen since high school, and we recently all god back together, and it made me realize some shit.”

He takes a pause, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“First of all, it made me realize that I really drew the short straw with genetics. My friends are all fucking hot now. They’re like, thin and young-looking, and I grew up like this? Are you fucking kidding me?”

He gestures to his worn-out jeans, battered sneakers, and chuckles at himself.

“I was so excited to see what they all looked like, and then I realized that _ I’m _ the loser! My friend, his name’s Ben, he used to be super heavy when we were kids, okay? I see him after almost thirty years and did not recognize him, he lost so much weight. He pulls me in for a hug and I almost started yelling  _ “stranger danger, stranger danger!” _ So, we’re all talking and I turn to him and go, “Hey, let’s talk about the elephant _ not  _ in the room, Ben.”

A few claps, loud laughter. Richie grins again.

“And they all have dope jobs too! I was so excited to tell them that I’m a comedian now, I’ve always wanted to do this and I tortured them all growing up with my stupid bits. And they’re all doing shit that’s even cooler! They’re designing fashion lines and writing screenplays and building fuckin’ houses. Who gives a fuck about my impressions and dick jokes?

Actually, while I was home in Maine, this little boy came up to me and quoted a line from one of my acts, and I fully forgot my own joke. This poor kid, I looked at him like I had three heads! All my friends were like, “Rich, how do you not know your own material?” In my defense, I had done a fair amount of shots.”

Scattered laughter fills the auditorium again as Richie pauses to take a sip of his water bottle.

“Being back in the place that you grew up in after so long is really weird. It’s like walking through a dream—and not like to fun, wet kind—”

A guy in the second row cackled at that one, and his girlfriend took a long sip of her wine.

“It’s weirder than those. Well, maybe, I don’t know what you guys are into,” he added with a grin.

“I saw all this shit that I’d totally forgotten about. Where are my 80’s kids at?”

A bunch of hands raised, people whooping.

“Do you guys remember Street Fighter? That game was my shit. I dominated that game, I had the high score. I went back to the arcade while I was there and it’s totally abandoned now. The machines are all like dusty and broken...It was fuckin’ depressing. Like, what are kids doing these days? I would spend _ days  _ in there. I actually met my first real crush there. We played Street Fighter against each other for, like, hours. But...It never went anywhere though. You know, most of them don’t. I mean, I’m almost forty and I’ve never been married.”

Richie stops, softly clearing his throat.

“So, my friends and I are were only back home for a few days, and by the time we left, two of them were fucking dating. Like, I called that shit back in tenth grade, and they just got married a few months ago, and I’m so happy for them, but c’mon! Three days to rekindle your childhood romance? It took me like a month after that reunion to realize that I’d been in love with my best friend since we were like twelve.”

He stuffs his hands into the pockets of his jacket.

“Which is just, like, the peak of being a clueless dumbass. When we were fourteen, I carved our initials on a bridge that the locals used to call the kissing bridge, and I was like,  _ “yeah, we’re just friends! I carved it in a friendly way!” _ like, wow, I was an idiot.”

He gazes out around the audience, analyzing their faces. They seem interested, a little confused by the turns this special is taking, but not disappointed at all.

“So, we’re leaving after our little reunion fun is over, and we had to drive over that bridge to get out of the town to the airport, and this friend and I were going together, you know, reduce our carbon footprint or whatever the fuck. And we drive right past my little R+E carved into this bridge, and ‘E’ doesn’t even look over, so now I’m like, am I gonna have to actually communicate my feelings now? This isn’t gonna be some perfect movie moment?”

Smiling softly, he continues. “And we’re getting on two separate planes, and we’re hugging goodbye, and I just go: “Uh, by the way...I’m gay.”

The audience seems to freeze, and Richie holds his breath, having just spoken the thing he’s only recently come to terms with aloud in front of these strangers.

“Yeah, so E stands for Eddie. Surprise! All those girlfriend jokes I made in the past? I was gay the whole time!”

The tension slowly dissipates, and the crowd starts to chuckle. A few claps too.

“Eddie and I are engaged now, by the way.”

The crowd erupts in applause.

“Thanks, guys, that’s really sweet of you to clap for my engagement that took way too long to happen. My fiance, he, uh, he’s my favorite person but he drives me fucking crazy sometimes. He works as a risk analyst—I know, the most boring fucking job, just saying “oh, if you text and drive, you’ll die!” like...Duh. And so, he’s really nervous about everything, so when I told him that I wanted to come out in this special, instead of being like  _ “oh that’s so brave, whatever makes you happy babe, I’ll support you,” _ he was like,  _ “well, statistically queer comedians are more likely to be subject of this and that—” _ like, I’ve been called a faggot since before I even knew I was gay, so now that I’ve come to terms with it, I’ve got some pretty thick skin, you know? If some magazine wants to say that I’m no longer funny because I’m gay, oh well!”

The laughter at that is a little more hesitant as if they aren’t sure if they  _ can  _ chuckle at it without sounding like assholes.

“But, yeah, so that’s been my dirty little secret for the past thirty-something years. Thanks for letting me share it with you. I don’t think it changes all that much. I’ll still make plenty of dick jokes, but now it’ll be about how much I  _ like _ dick instead!”

A woman in the back wolf-whistles.

Richie grins widely. Standing up there in front of a crowd immediately feels easier, and more authentic, too. He can go on with his funny jokes and voices, but be honest about it. Writing his own material, and writing it the way he wants.

When he gets off stage, Eddie is waiting for him backstage, all proud smiles and a kiss that still makes Richie’s stomach flutter.

His dirty little secret was never really  _ dirty _ , he realizes, or really even that little. And now, it’s not a secret anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, i hope you guys enjoyed!! kudos/comments are super appreciated :)


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